


do fireflies cry too?

by Oparu



Series: The Bottomless Sea 'Verse / Dragon Outlaw Queen ficlets [18]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Grief/Mourning, Multi, Original Character Death(s), Other, Stillbirth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 15:36:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9278258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oparu/pseuds/Oparu
Summary: Maleficent and her unborn child are hurt trying to protect Roland. Everyone says it’s not his fault, but it is. He knows it, even if everyone else lies to him. After his little sister dies, even Mal says it’s not his fault, but she’s said that the whole time.He used to think she didn’t lie to him, but he’s sure this is a lie. He was in danger, and he killed his sister.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [trina-deckers](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=trina-deckers).



> I think this is the saddest thing I've ever written. Writing a child grieving is hard, but Trina-Deckers and I were talking, and she loves angst, so...I regret everything, but I like how it turned out. 
> 
> The narrative jumps around a bit because he's six.

He remembers that she couldn’t lift her head. That she couldn’t sit up and her hands were cold. 

“Call Regina.” 

Roland knows how to use a phone, potentially better than Mal does, because dragons never had phones before Storybrooke. His fingers still fumble with the phone. His hands are cold too, but Mal’s are colder. 

"It's not your fault." 

He called. Regina spoke so slowly and kept asking questions. 

“Where are you? Where’s Mal? Are you safe?”  

“Mal’s hurt. You should come fast.” 

And she did, with magic, only this time he didn’t laugh. He doesn't laugh now, which makes Mama sad and Papa's face is still and sad. 

Everyone's sad. 

Regina came fast and Papa, even Emma, and they held Mal and Regina yelled at her, and Papa cried in his hair and hugged him so tight it hurt. He wanted to ask why Reegina yelled. Why she yelled at Emma too, why there's so much light. 

He doesn't remember that part, much. The ice-lady wanted to take his soul, suck it out through his mouth. She's a wraith. 

A wraith tried to kill Regina once, Emma says. Emma sent it away. Emma hugs him because the doctor wants to talk to Regina and Papa and Mama's not here yet. He doesn't like the hospital, it smells funny, and now even Emma's crying and hugging him. 

"Mal's going to be okay." 

Emma doesn't mention his sister, the little one who kicks his hand sometimes. 

She's not okay. When Mama gets there, Regina and Papa are in a room with Mal and nurses and the doctor comes out. 

There's blood on him. Blood on his white coat. The doctor uses big words. 

Emma holds him tighter, and Mama's coming from home. 

"I'm sorry." Emma says, over and over. "We should have found you faster." 

It's not Emma's fault. He followed the wraith. Walked with her in the snow when her feet had no footprints. 

Mal's did. Her dragon wings were huge and scary and her feet left big footprints in the snow, but when the ice-lady tried to hurt her, her soul came too.

So much light. 

When his other sister came, it was in his house and she was safe. He came home and he had a sister and she's funny and likes to grab his face with her hands. He likes that sister. The little one. 

This one was littler still and he loved her because Regina and Papa were so happy and Mal wasn't sick like she was last time and everything--

They sit in a room with sofas and it's like a living room but wrong somehow, because the TVs on and no one's watching and when Henry comes with his grandma and grandpa, he cries too. 

Everyone does. Mal went in a room, and there's blood, and everyone cries. 

It's his fault. He saw the white lady in the snow. She had black hair and a white dress and he followed her. He knew he shouldn't. He knew. 

He followed.

And Mal saved him, kept his soul in his tummy. 

It aches there, as if his soul wants to be out so it won't hurt. 

* * *

 

He doesn't see her until tomorrow, when she's still asleep. Regina won't leave that room and Papa only comes out to get food and hug him, and Mama says he can go in. 

Mal's asleep. She lost blood and that makes someone sleepy. 

Her hair lies flat and soft on the pillow and the blankets lie all over her. She usually doesn't need blankets. She's always warm. Her hand is warm, and he holds it, wrapping her long fingers in his little ones. 

The blanket lies flat over her belly. 

His sister is dead. She was supposed to be longer, not come until later. He's heard that. His sister's birthday was going to be in March. 

It's January, and the snow's so cold. 

He shouldn't have followed the ice-lady. 

Regina sits up in her chair and wipes her face and holds out her arms and he runs right to her, because she's crying. She kisses his head and tells him it's not his fault. Mal's okay. She's just sleeping. 

'Where is my sister?" 

Regina stops, and her tears start again, and Papa crouches down next to him. "She's here, Roland." 

He gives his hand to Papa and they walk to the window. Papa lifts a little yellow blanket from a bed and he holds her close to his chest. 

Like Iggie, when she was little. 

Papa doesn't make him sit in a chair. He always had to sit in a chair to hold Iggie. 

Papa's crying too, and his eyes are so red. "Your sister died. Regina, and Mal and I wanted to say goodbye to her." He comes down to the floor, and he reaches for her, without thinking, because she's dead, she's dead. 

She's cold. His sister is cold like Mal's hands. Like the ice-lady. Her skin is grey and her eyes are closed. She's very very little and dead. 

He pats her head, like he patted Iggie's when she was very small. 

"I'm sorry." He leans close and kisses the blanket. "I'm sorry." 

Papa hugs him, and Regina, and there's so much crying that his sister is wet. 

But she's dead.

* * *

 

Later, they burn her. Dragons burn when they die. Mal wears a black dress, and Regina has black and Papa and he has a black coat that's itchy. 

Henry says his is itchy too and he holds his hand tight while Mal, Regina and Papa set his sister on fire and she burns away. 

After that, it's quiet. Lily hugs him and Mama hugs him, and Mal hugs him. He doesn't think she will, not at first, but she smiles even though her eyes are so sad they hurt. 

She hugs him. 

She kisses his face and tells him that his sister loved him. She knew he loved her. 

People come, and talk, and cry, and hug, and Emma has them in her house. Iggie and Neal laugh and run around the living room because they're too little to know what happened. 

Roland's not that little. 

He knows. 

He killed his sister. 

Mal's not angry. She hugs him and loves him and still reads him stories, but she's so sad at the same time that sometimes they don't read. She sits in his bed and she cries and he cries and they fall asleep. 

Regina cries when she's cooking, and Papa holds her and they cry. Mal cries the most, and they both hug her and kiss her face. He hugs her, but he feels bad, because he killed his sister. 

He shouldn’t hug her. 

He does, because he loves her. 

* * *

 

The snow melts, and there are flowers. School ends. Iggie talks now, really talks, and she likes to call Papa 'baba' and ask for ice cream. 

His family laughs more. They still cry, and even though he's big, he's almost seven and he can read, Mal still sits on his bed and reads to him. 

It's late, later than he's usually allowed to stay up, but there were fireflies and they chased them, and Papa and Regina let Iggie try to catch them in her little hands and she laughed and laughed. 

They did. Even Henry. 

He still has to talk to Archie every week, and Papa, Regina and Mal do. Archie says crying is okay. Missing his sister is okay. 

Archie says it's not his fault. That there are horrible things that happen for no reason. Mal loves him. His sister loved him. 

His sister didn't really know him.

Never did. 

Fireflies dance outside his window and Mal strokes his hair. 

"Regina says that dragons think fireflies are the dead, flickering back."

"They could be." Mal takes a breath and blinks. "I think Fia watches us sometimes." 

"From heaven?"

"Dragons don't believe in heaven the same way some humans do." 

Roland thinks he gets that. "You think she's magic."

"Dragons are made of fire, to fire we return." She leans back on the wall and pulls him into her lap, even though he's big. "You saw us send Fia to fire." 

"You shouldn't have." 

"Oh?"

"She shouldn't have died." 

"Sweetheart--"

"It's my fault." He hasn't said it out loud for months. He doesn't even tell Archie that it's his fault anymore because Archie doesn't listen. 

"Why is it your fault?"

His chest hurts. "The ice-lady." 

Mal wraps her arms around him. "She was a wraith. They kill. It's not your fault. If she hadn't killed Fia, she might have killed you, or me, or Papa or Regina or Iggie or anyone in the town."

"But you--" She doesn't get it. Why doesn't anyone get it? It's his fault. 

Mal picks him up, and then they're outside, on the hill where they burnt Fia. It's dark except for the fireflies, and they're everywhere, green and flickering. Mal sits in the cool grass and pulls him into her lap so he's not cold. 

She's warm again now. 

"I have nightmares where you're cold." 

She kisses his head. "I have nightmares where I fail, and you die. Or Henry. Where I'm not fast enough and one of you is gone, or Iggie." 

"Really?" He turns and touches her face. She's crying. 

"So many nightmares." She nods and he turns back. "Archie says--"

"Things needs time."

Mal laughs. "Yes."

"And being sad is okay."

"Yes."

"And--"

"It's not your fault." 

He takes a breath and it hurts, like his soul doesn't want to breathe. It is his fault. He was there, Mal came to save him. "If Fia can hear me, does she know I'm sorry?"

"She's your sister." Mal's voice is thick and soft in his ear. "She doesn't need you to be sorry. She loves you." 

"She's dead."

"Death has no bearing on love."

He pushes off her lap, stands up, stares at the fireflies and the darkness and turns back, because he hurts and he doesn't know how to make it stop. "I didn't say it."

Mal blinks at him. Her face green in funny light of the fireflies. "You didn't?"

"Not when she was here." 

"You said it to my belly. Many times."

"Could she hear that?"

Mal rests her hand on her flat belly and nods, her face all wet and her voice shaky. "Of course." 

"But I didn't..."

She holds up her hand, offering that he come back. "When she was born, and she was dead, Robin and Regina held her, they said they loved her. They handed her to me, and I was sick."

He remembers. She couldn't stand up for days. Papa and Regina were so worried. "You lost blood."

"It's a very strange sensation, losing blood. You're all dizzy and confused, and I held her, and she was warm then, just like Iggie was, and I forgot she was dead. I held her and stared at her eyes and I thought they'd open. I thought she'd look at me.

"I have magic, Regina has magic, there's so much magic in the air in Storybrooke that I can taste it, like spices, and my baby died. She was safe, and I had her, and Robin and Regina had her, and she died." Mal touches his face, and a firefly lands on her shoulder. "But she was here, for a little while. She knew you, and Robin, Regina, Lily and Henry. She was warm, and safe, and she had a life."

"Yeah?"

"A very short life." She holds up both hands. "A good life." 

"She died."

"We die, dear little one. We die. Someday, your Mama and Papa will die, and Henry, Regina...you. You will die."

"Not you."

Mal touches his shoulder and his chest still hurts, but it's warmer now. "Not in the same time." 

"But Fia could have been like you. Live a long time."

"And she did not." Mal takes her hand back and wipes her face, because she's all wet from crying. "And it is sad. I'm sad, Robin and Regina are sad, Henry's sad, so is Lily. We miss her, but she had a good life." 

"That's not okay." He stomps away, bashing his feet against the wet grass. "It's not okay. Why do you keep saying it's okay?"

"Because I love my life. I love you, I love Henry and Lily. I love Robin and Regina. I love Emma and Marian and Mulan and sometimes I love the whole funny little town."

"Why?"

"It feels nice." She pats her chest. "It feels nice to be happy, to know this is my home, and my family." 

"But you're crying."

"Happy and sad can coexist, in a great many ways. I think it gets easier, when you are older and your heart feels bigger. When I was small, I felt one thing, much more vividly." 

"I feel angry!" He yells that and it echoes in the trees. Fireflies go dark. He scared them. They're making Mal happy and he made them go away and he--

She grabs him. Hugs him. "I feel angry too, and sad, and so happy." 

He leans on her chest, and she's warm.  Mal wraps her arms around him and he's safe. He cries until the fireflies come back to see.

One lands on his hand, and he stares at it, all green and fat and silly. It's just a bug. It's not his sister. He hates fireflies. 

"I love you." Mal whispers in his hair. 

"What did she like?" he asks, and his voice sounds stupid. 

"Hmm?"

"Fia. What did she like?"

"She liked it when your Papa sang, and when Regina touched my belly with magic. She liked chocolate and ginger, but not onions." 

"You're supposed to try all your vegetables." 

"I like onions." Mal rocks him a little, humming. "When I had Fia in my tummy, she did not." 

"That's funny."

"I think it means she didn't like them." 

He squirms up and kisses her cheek. "I think that too." 


End file.
